It’s amusing to me when people think I’m outgoing or social — I’m really not. I’m a mess in nearly all social situations. Particularly just before something begins. My palms sweat, I pace the floor.
I constantly worry that my friends dislike me in some way. One social misstep or misspeak and I beat myself up for months.
I’m the friend that means well.
I suspect my husband is often puzzled as to why I’m so jubilant after we have friends over — it’s because I was reassured by their mere presence that there are people out there who like me and enjoy my company. I need that reassurance. I thrive off of it. If I go to long without it, the worry festers and makes me miserable. So I push myself to host gatherings, and leave the house and do things, so that I can breath again. So that I can get the validation I need and stop the voices of doubt in my head.
Unfortunately, this often leads to my being taken advantage of or letting myself be mistreated in my constant desire to be liked, because I am the friend that means well.
This all feeds into my New Year Resolution: To stop dwelling on past hurts on a daily basis and focus more on the positives the future holds with my husband, daughter and our loved ones. I am tired of making myself sick over events from the past year that I can not fix or change. I’m tired of blaming myself when in truth I did nothing wrong.
I am liked.
I am loved.
And that’s all that matters.
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