Beauty assessment

"It took me too long to realize that I don't take good pictures 'cuz I have the kind of beauty that moves." Ani Difranco

All over facebook the last few weeks I've seen the Dove Beauty ad debate. (If you somehow missed it, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk ) Is it uplifting or offensive? People seem torn.

Frankly, part of me thinks some people get offended at almost anything. But that aside, lets discuss the term beauty for a moment. 

"Beau·ty [byoo-tee] noun, plural beau·ties.

1. The quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).

2. A beautiful person, especially a woman.

3. A beautiful thing, as a work of art or a building.

4. Often, beauties. something that is beautiful in nature or in some natural or artificial environment.

5. An individually pleasing or beautiful quality; grace; charm: a vivid blue area that is the one real beauty of the painting."

and in turn...

"beau·ti·ful [byoo-tuh-fuh l] adjective

1. Having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.

2. Excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.

3. Wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying."

Why are these terms such a touchy subject? Honestly, what's wrong with thinking someone is beautiful, or, god forbid, thinking you yourself are beautiful? And if you are of the vein that believes the "most people are more beautiful than they think", what do you say to those who think we shouldn't be stressing the term or idea of beauty at all?

I agree that it's an important discussion, but I find myself bemused by the self image overload. As women we grow up with the deeply ingrained notion of beauty. Even if you have the upbringing of everyone is beautiful in their own way, you figure out pretty quick as teen that some girls are more "gifted" in the looks department than others. It's just a fact.  And beauty is subjective, each generation and each person has their own terms and definitions of what is beautiful.

I never thought of myself as "beautiful." I never thought of myself as "ugly" either. I have decent attributes, and always thought I was at least average in the looks department if not a bit better than average. And some days are definitely better than others. Hell some days I think I look down right gorgeous, but those are rarer occasions. 
My main issue with self reflection is photos. I can't even count the times I look in the mirror and think, "I look really good!" and then someone takes a photo of me and I look awful. What the heck happened between the mirror and the lens? In college I came across the above Ani Difranco quote and adopted it as my mantra. 

The best thing I can stress is positive thinking. Negative thinking only brings misery, but positive thoughts eventually spread, and can not only help your own personal well being, but that of those around you. 

I will never forget the assessment I got from a guy a dated. I'll preface it by saying that not being attracted to someone is a legitimate reason to end a relationship. However, there is no need to go into detail as to what you find unattractive.

“ your personality is great, and i really love talking to you- but the truth was, it was physical- I'm not attracted to you- something about your face (kind of that north mountain not by the ocean but still by the water look) just turned me off- and you didn't have the body to make up for that deficit . which is kind of important in a relationship. i thought since really liked your personality that it would make up for it.... but when im honest with myself, it didn't” 

My reaction, once shock wore off, was laughter. I couldn't stop laughing for days.  "north mountain not by the ocean but still by the water look" What is that exactly?? 

Not to sound vain, but I had never gotten the "at least you have a nice personality" speech before or since.

This so called "relationship" end shortly before I ended up dating the man who later became my husband. My husband adores me. He constantly tells me how beautiful I am. And you know what? It's a wonderful feeling. 

So, superficial or not, I put it to you, what is so wrong with the term "beautiful," really?

Further enlightening reading I stumbled across today here:

http://www.eatthedamncake.com/2013/02/19/why-arent-we-allowed-to-think-were-pretty/

Books

As my profile image suggests, books are very important to me. I grew-up in a house where I had my own "library." Eight descent sized shelves full of books from the time I was very young. I realize that if I had had a sibling, I would have been forced to share. My parents, after a fashion, had their own library space with shelves from floor to (slanted) ceiling — all full of books. This is not including the boxes upon boxes of inherited, hand-me-down books in the closets and attic. 

I never understood homes with only a dozen or so books. 

When I was living on my own, I found my happy place, my oasis, was Barnes and Noble. The smell of a new book is intoxicating and comforting to me. When my husband and I bought our first house last year, I commissioned large shelves for the living room, which were instantly filled with books.

I've always had an issue with the notion of throwing out a book. Even if I truly hated something I've read, I've held on to it because somewhere in my moral code it's ingrained that it's wrong to dispose of a book in such a fashion, unless it's damaged beyond repair. 

Books are vessels of magic. By just the turn of a page, you can escape into another place, another world, another life. 

The end of a good story shakes your entire world for a moment— there's a period of contentment (at a solid conclusion) followed by a sense of loss and sometimes slight depression. A truly excellent book makes your heart race, your brain whir and even sometimes changes you perspective on life itself. 

Books have saved me on more than one occasion. When I was as low as I could get, they lifted me back up and gave me a brighter perspective. 

In an age of technology, it's more imperative to instill our children with a love of reading. And not reading on some screen, but with paper in hand. It's a simple piece of magic we can touch and feel, and the tactility of books is a precious thing.

Best friends

Best friends. It's a concept that becomes prevalent at an early age and one we cling to well into adulthood. Anne Shirley called it "kindred spirit," a person you connect to not only through physical interactions like hangout out but through intellectual and emotional bond.

As kids and teens we try to symbolize these relationships to the world through friendship jewelry and internet proclamations. Why do we do this? Why is it so important to label people in this fashion?

In my case, I think it comes down to not having many friends when I was younger. It made the friends I did have all that more precious to me, and I felt and deep desire to make sure they felt the same about me. So I purchased the interlocking, matching jewelry — frequently in fact, lots of times for the same people.

But once you "grow-up", once you move away, get a job and start your "life," things that were once so important, change. I came to realize that when it came to friendships, true friendships, there was an easy way to tell if the other person really cared about you — time and effort. When I looked at a number of my relationships, I realized for some I was putting in all the time and all the effort. These were people who never invited me to do anything, or who never could be bothered to come and visit me — I always had to go to them. I was the one calling and e-mailing. I was the one putting in all of the effort. Those relationships are emotionally and even physically draining. The same went for dating — until my now husband, I was the one who put in all the effort, which is why I went for so many years as being "single."

So I re-evaluated. I stepped back and let go. I decided that if a person truly cares about me and wants to spend time with me, they will put in at least some effort to make it happen. 

If someone asks or tells you to do something that your gut tells you is wrong, than it probably is and you shouldn't do it. You should also reconsider who you're taking your cues from, because those people are not "best friend" material.

The term "best friend" is an interesting concept. Early in our relationship, my husband was hurt when I referred to one of my girlfriends as "my best friend." He said he though he was my best friend, as I was his. 

I've since had to redefine the term, both for others and for myself. A person can have more than one "best friend." I realize the grammar is at issue with that statement, however as "best friend" or "BFF" is such a deeply ingrained concept, it's difficult to explain the position otherwise, so I decided to keep the term regardless. There are a hand full of people I consider my best friends — my husband included. These are people who have been there for me in hard times and never asked more of me than I was willing or able to give. 

One of my "best friends" has people in her life that tell her to do horrible things, who lecture and berate her in the name of "friendship." And she listens, mistaking these as people who care for her and have her best interest at heart. I wish I could convince her to ignore these influences, but that's not a choice I can make. All I can do is try to explain what a real friend is and hope she comes to the same conclusion I did years ago.

Happiness can be achieved by removing negative energy from your life. Not in a cement shoes and a deep pond kind of way, just in stepping back and letting go. Make time and effort for those who make time and effort for you. Spend more time with people who make you feel good about yourself, who take your best interest to heart, and less with those who are draining and negative. 

I will be a writer

I know I've been absent for awhile. I doubt anyone missed me, but I wanted to share this:

“As things stand now, I am going to be a writer. I’m not sure that I’m going to be a good one or even a self-supporting one, but until the dark thumb of fate presses me to the dust and says, ‘You are nothing,’ I will be a writer.” 

- Hunter S. Thompson 

♥