Best friends

Best friends. It's a concept that becomes prevalent at an early age and one we cling to well into adulthood. Anne Shirley called it "kindred spirit," a person you connect to not only through physical interactions like hangout out but through intellectual and emotional bond.

As kids and teens we try to symbolize these relationships to the world through friendship jewelry and internet proclamations. Why do we do this? Why is it so important to label people in this fashion?

In my case, I think it comes down to not having many friends when I was younger. It made the friends I did have all that more precious to me, and I felt and deep desire to make sure they felt the same about me. So I purchased the interlocking, matching jewelry — frequently in fact, lots of times for the same people.

But once you "grow-up", once you move away, get a job and start your "life," things that were once so important, change. I came to realize that when it came to friendships, true friendships, there was an easy way to tell if the other person really cared about you — time and effort. When I looked at a number of my relationships, I realized for some I was putting in all the time and all the effort. These were people who never invited me to do anything, or who never could be bothered to come and visit me — I always had to go to them. I was the one calling and e-mailing. I was the one putting in all of the effort. Those relationships are emotionally and even physically draining. The same went for dating — until my now husband, I was the one who put in all the effort, which is why I went for so many years as being "single."

So I re-evaluated. I stepped back and let go. I decided that if a person truly cares about me and wants to spend time with me, they will put in at least some effort to make it happen. 

If someone asks or tells you to do something that your gut tells you is wrong, than it probably is and you shouldn't do it. You should also reconsider who you're taking your cues from, because those people are not "best friend" material.

The term "best friend" is an interesting concept. Early in our relationship, my husband was hurt when I referred to one of my girlfriends as "my best friend." He said he though he was my best friend, as I was his. 

I've since had to redefine the term, both for others and for myself. A person can have more than one "best friend." I realize the grammar is at issue with that statement, however as "best friend" or "BFF" is such a deeply ingrained concept, it's difficult to explain the position otherwise, so I decided to keep the term regardless. There are a hand full of people I consider my best friends — my husband included. These are people who have been there for me in hard times and never asked more of me than I was willing or able to give. 

One of my "best friends" has people in her life that tell her to do horrible things, who lecture and berate her in the name of "friendship." And she listens, mistaking these as people who care for her and have her best interest at heart. I wish I could convince her to ignore these influences, but that's not a choice I can make. All I can do is try to explain what a real friend is and hope she comes to the same conclusion I did years ago.

Happiness can be achieved by removing negative energy from your life. Not in a cement shoes and a deep pond kind of way, just in stepping back and letting go. Make time and effort for those who make time and effort for you. Spend more time with people who make you feel good about yourself, who take your best interest to heart, and less with those who are draining and negative.