Learning to love myself again

I have been absent from this space for some time now, partially due to my becoming pregnant with our first child. Our darling daughter was born in August.

Post-pregnancy I’ve been dealing with a number of challenges, including one I really wasn’t prepared for — my self-image.

While I was pregnant I was proud to show off my baby bump. I was relieved and pleased that the hormone influx did not cause me to become one of those women who complain about becoming “fat” (you’re not fat, you’re pregnant!).

I spent months mentally preparing myself for the remaining weight that would be — possibly permanently — added to my physique.

I have never been a skinny girl, I’ve always been a tad “solid” in regards to my weight.

I was determined to be OK with myself because I had had a baby — of course I was going to be heavier than I was before, of course I was going to have stretch marks, it’s all OK because I had a baby.

Truth is, now that I'm there, it’s not OK — I’m not OK.

I look in the mirror and I see fat and flab. 

In the photos taken of us with our daughter I could not see past the double chin that seemed to come out of no where when I looked down at our precious bundle of joy. I feel odd, out of sorts and not like myself — I used to love myself but now I’m not so sure.

These photos are an act of courage on my part, to post my imperfections for all the world to see. In my mind this is the first step down a long road to loving myself again, as I am. 

I want to accept my battle scars with pride. I want to be self-assured that I am beautiful, just as I am.

I want it. I’m just not sure how to achieve it.